Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I’m having an out of money experience.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I love it all
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I told my vodka about you.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.