No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
You Might Also Like
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one