@Dawn_M_: I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don't want them to fall in love with me.
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@Jake_Vig: I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
@bourgeoisalien: I misspelled "marriage" and Auto Correct changed it to "mirage." What do you know that I don't, Auto Correct?
@pattymo: Sinbad isn’t just a comedian’s name - it’s also an extremely short summary of The Bible
@markleggett: I just whispered "Come at me, bro" to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I'm in my car driving away from my old life.