I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
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I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random