@Dawn_M_: I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don't want them to fall in love with me.
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@TheCatWhisprer: [cats at shelter] Where's Frank? "Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now."
@TEXASVETERAN: Me: I love you! Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking? Me: It's me...talking to the vodka.
@GloGurL: My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
@daemonic3: Cop: Know why I pulled you over? I'm in a High Occupancy lane Cop: Yes...wait IS THAT A JOINT? Yeah I'm HIGH lol Cop: My bad, free to go