I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Don’t make me out nice you.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.