@rolldiggity: I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it's not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.
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@Jandalize: I'm not saying I don't like you, but if you had an open wound I'd hand you a salt shaker.
@amishschool: Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
@RealDMK: If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
@RexHuppke: The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be "a Muslim extremist." That's like a student signing his report card "Timmy's Dad."