I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*seductively corrects your posture*
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Self-cleaning conscience
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
you will never know the true number of layers
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized