@meganamram: I never give homeless people drugs because I know they're just going to trade them for food
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@QwertyJones3: The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
@WhaJoTalkinBout: My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
@JohnLyonTweets: There's so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I'd complain to the management except this is my apartment.
@UNTRESOR: Doctors just told me I have "stripper lung" from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to "JIGGLERS" again I'll die.