WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not