@UNTRESOR: I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
@Schmoodles: It's easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.
@UnFitz: It's called "personal grooming" as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.