I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Doctors texting each other.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume