I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
every. time.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.