I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Aight bet
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]