I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
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The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
If you know, you know
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian