I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
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I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
CRYING
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.