I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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beware of dog
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
buys donuts instead
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Story of my life…..
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?