@CulturedRuffian: I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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@rickkondell: The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
@schlimp: Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
@daemonic3: If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger's cat.
@trentistweeting: WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting "no he's not"] dammit guys, not now