I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
a lot to unpack here
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
This dude got his own movie?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.