@Underchilde: I never keep toilet paper in the guest bathroom. They don’t need that kind of incentive to visit again.
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@matt___nelson: [Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] "I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I'M DIVORCING YOU"
@UncleDuke1969: "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?" "No." "Why not, sir?" "Because, it would make my rabbi sad."
@SirEviscerate: Ghost cat: how'd you die? Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down GC: i got hit by a car GD: I know GC: ilu