When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
incredible book dedication
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.