I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
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Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Ummm
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.