judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
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did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?