@est1975blog: I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because "his leaves are getting on our lawn."
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@DumbConfessions: [in Paris] Will you have sex with me? "No monsieur." Okay, like, I don't speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.
@Sassafrantz: Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.
@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It'd be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. "We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!"