@est1975blog: I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because "his leaves are getting on our lawn."
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@famouscrab: you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
@HelmdawgE: Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has "will get in cars with strangers" in her bio. I'm hiding........
@thatdutchperson: [does his regular grocery shopping] Cashier: having a kid's birthday party? Me: ...................yes.
@oxnuxo: Fire engines are painted red for camouflage, so they can sneak up on fires without being noticed