date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
You Might Also Like
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Come back with a warrant
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.