I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
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This is my brand.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?