I never know how much to tip a cow.
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Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.