I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Sex so good you see dead people.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.