@koalaslament: I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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@Jake_Vig: When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say "Is that who you were telling me about?"
@ericbove: From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
@Nickadoo: My urologist is weird. I peed in a cup. He drank it and said, "You're fine." Then he paid me. Don't choose a doctor from Craigslist.