@koalaslament: I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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@SardonicTart: How to beat depression: 1) Talk to someone 2) When that person says "just cheer up," beat that person with a baseball bat.
@Kyle_Lippert: A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. "Give me a D" she says. "She wants the D" Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Check it out! I'm juggling! Wife: Me: Wife: You're supposed to use more than one ball. Me: Can't you just be happy for me?
@ohthatbadger: The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.