I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Shoo shoo! 😂
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.