I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
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{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?