I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
*frowns in Scottish*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it