@abysmalkittybee: I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they'll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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@ThaJawn: Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more Me: ok... Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats Me: What? Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up Me: Wait! You're my dog in a lab coat!
@bornmiserable: "It's never too late to get the beach body you want," I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
@Tylerosis: I say I want a gf but I don't even know what I'd do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
@WilliamRodgers: *Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce -NEVER eats Salad again! *Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning -NEVER reads again!