@abysmalkittybee: I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they'll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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@TheMichaelRock: I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.
@LionJenkins: Rolls down car window. Throws caution to the wind. Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.
@MsSkarsgaard: Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed. Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.
@fillthevacuum: Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.