I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.