I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[shakes fist at other fist]
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words