@Ristolable: I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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@bossy_bootz: I notice you only call when you want something Person calling: ma'am your bill is 90 days past due
@kumailn: If I had a time machine I'd go back 10 years and tell myself "Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to."
@MariyaAlexander: Your Harvard education doesn't make me respect you more - it makes me respect Harvard less.
@PoliUncorrect: Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you... Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)