I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
So we got a goldfish…
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”