I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
North and South
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip