I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
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*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I feel seen
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Oh boy, $150,000!
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.