21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
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[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”