What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
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The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
no cat here
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Bill is short for Billiam
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.