I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I have questions??
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning