@Tylerosis: I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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@charliedelta7: I taught my son how to spell beer so he'd stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
@imchriskelly: "What charities do you donate to?" "I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world."
@Ygrene: Bully: This town isn't big enough for the 2 of us! Me: Oh yeah? Bully: Yeah! Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
@primawesome: A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What's the rest of her day like?