I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Perfect
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.