you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
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Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Self-cleaning conscience
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.