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They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Finally, a door that understands me
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*