@Shower4Thought: I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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@SteveSuckington: Good cop: license and registration please Perp: I'm sorry was I speeding Dad Cop: hi sorry was I speeding, I'm dad.
@MartaEffing: When I realized my boyfriend said we should 'break up' & not 'break dance', I was sad, but also relieved.
@SteveSuckington: [high school] Teacher: do u have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
@astutenewf: Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm 80% rice krispies.