I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
You Might Also Like
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Warm pools make me nervous.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals