I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
CRYING
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen