I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Very problematic
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living