I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
You Might Also Like
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster