I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for