What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Saving my good tweets for marriage
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade