I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
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Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
wow he looks just like him
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours