I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
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it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.