I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
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When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft