@mjkspeaks: I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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@withanewname: [flash mob in front of me & my girl] [I join in then kneel down gasping] "Will you.." "YES!... YE.." "grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?"
@carlyken: Whoa I'm floating! Am I...dead? "No it's a dream" What a relief! Wait. Who said that? Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit Uh nobody go back to sleep
@NYC_Blonde: Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don't you just make bags that are twice as strong?
@FatherWithTwins: I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.