@mjkspeaks: I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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@SuicideBooth1: [couples therapy] Mrs: he's too handsy, always touching me all over... Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS...
@Pro_Jones_: Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he's dead he's a great Wife: I swear to God I'll divorce you Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
@Eightinchgoat: Whoever said "The best things in life are free" obviously knew a very unsuccessful coke dealer.
@Brampersandon_: COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must've been a fun weekend haha ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild