I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this