I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak